“Team, please can everyone sign Sarah’s birthday card by Wednesday lunchtime? We will have a small gathering on Thursday at 10am at the Heisenberg juice bar on the 2nd floor to wish her well. You can add your messages by clicking the link. Thank you. Dan.”
Yet another birthday reminder from my new manager. He apparently read some piece of research showing that when people forget to wish each other a happy birthday, the snubbed person stops putting in as much effort. So now we are all under pressure to write something heartfelt, and to show Dan that we are team players. Which first means checking what the others have put…
“Hi Sarah. Happy birthday! Rodney.”
No prizes for imagination. But Rodney clicked first, which gave him licence to write the obvious message. I could write the same thing: it would be a fair summary of my emotional investment in Sarah’s birthday. However, the first rule of office cards like this is that you cannot write exactly the same message as the people above.
“Happy birthday, Sarah! Gilbert.”
Same words, different order. Whoever comes next will need to take things in a different direction.
“Dear Sarah! Happy birthday! Hope you have a good one! Love Natalie.”
Nat’s message raises the bar a little bit. She has written double the number of words as Rodney and Gilbert, and has also shown more warmth.
“Dear Sarah! Happy birthday! Hope you have a really good one! Love Bertha.”
Just one extra word, but it implies a deeper connection with Sarah. Nat suddenly seems a little detached. Rodney appears positively icy.
“Happy birthday, Sarah! Hope you have a really, really, really good one. Tom.”
Tom has failed to understand that adding more and more “really”s just makes him sound sarcastic.
“Dear Sarah. Companies are built on teams. Teams are built on trust. And you are someone we trust. Happy birthday. Niamh.”
Niamh always writes stuff like this. Her only audience is Dan: she wants to show how much she cares about teams. In Terry’s birthday message she mentioned something called Project Aristotle. In mine, she went on about the All Blacks.
“Happy birthday! Hope you have a good one! Don’t get too wasted! Samantha!”
This does suggest Samantha knows Sarah well enough to joke around with her, and may even have bonded with her outside work. But it also suggests Sarah might be an alcoholic.
“Hi Sarah! Happy birthday. Don’t eat all the cake! Martin.”
Martin joined last week and is an intern. He has misread the situation.
“Dear Sarah. Happy birthday! Great having you on the team! Clara.”
Textbook stuff from Clara. It’s professional, friendly and leaves very little room for improvement.
“HB, SC! Looking forward to Saturday. Lots of love, WP”.
Big mistake—BM—from Wesley. Yes, he’s close to Sarah. But this is not at all inclusive. Now all of us, Dan included, feel a little less like a team.
“Hi Sarah. I may not be seeing you on Saturday but I will see you on Monday. Happy birthday. Freda.”
Told you.
“Dear Sarah. See you at the Heisenberg juice bar. Ray”
Ray always just writes the location of the place we are meeting. He once wrote a condolences card that read: “See you at the crematorium.” He’s very close to retirement so he doesn’t really care about anything any more.
“Today we pause our schemes and plans
To celebrate Sarah—glue of this band.
She juggles chaos, makes problems small,
And keeps projects from going off the wall.”
To celebrate Sarah—glue of this band.
She juggles chaos, makes problems small,
And keeps projects from going off the wall.”
Dan has discovered ChatGPT.
“Happy birthday, Sarah! Thank you for everything you bring to the team—your calm problem-solving, your knack for finding the smartest path through tricky projects and the positivity you bring to every meeting. We’re genuinely better because you’re part of the team. Enjoy celebrating today! Barbara.”
So has Barbara.
“Dear Sarah! Happy birthday! You have a knack for finding obstacles on even the simplest projects. You make every meeting a bit more depressing. We’re genuinely a bigger team because you’re on it. Violetta.”
Sarah and Violetta are really good friends. At least I hope they are. Now it’s my turn…[time passes]…[more time passes]…I just need to write something.
“Dear Sarah! Wishing you a really really birthday! Kim.”
Oh God. Where’s the edit button?■
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